Thursday, April 19, 2007

Plan II: Let's Play Religious Cowboys

"I'm not a divider, I'm a uniter."
Would you buy a used insurance policy from this man?
"I don't sell insurance, I sell wars."
Is that like death insurance instead of life insurance?
"Exactly. At some point, people will stop dying enough to balance out the birth rate. I'm doin' a public service. War is good for the human race and good for the planet. And who's got the guts to do it, I ask you? Democrats? Since when did a Democrat give you a half-decent war?"
But I thought war was not healthy for children and other living things...
"Where are you from - the Vegetarian Times? PBS? Amy Goodman?"
I'll put it this way - I'm not from Haliburton.
"Let me put it this way - we've got to change the world, and make it safe for democracy, and there's only one way to do it, and that's make war."
Can't we talk? Negotiate? Whatever happened to diplomacy? And by the way, why are you dressed that way?
"First off, I never negotiate with terrorists. Second off, diplomacy is what's wrong with the world. And third, I'm under a lot of pressure, bein' Leader of the Planet. This is how I relax. I can just blend in and nobody will notice me."
Are you crazy? Everyone will stare at you, dressed like that.
Not in Karachi, or Yemen. Where do you think I relax? Camp David? I need to be around guys who are on the same page about war. Sick of these goddamned liberals talkin' about peace and they don't know what they're doing. We're uniting the world. On to Armageddon!
Excuse me, I need some air. I can't breathe.
"But there's plenty of air in here, yuk, yuk. It's just comin' out the wrong end..."
(Your "plans" must be coming out of there, too...)

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